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The Crying Game

Some days I guide right through with smooth sailing and on others the tears just flow. I often ask what happened during this journey. I self-reflect and investigate if I had been the failure in the relationship, if it was him, or us both. I think we both blamed the other so much that it just became a reality of existence. There were many days I would play a discussion in my head to reconcile, to make peace, to be better. I would start the conversation and it always ended in me feeling like I was a horrible person. The peace I thought I would obtain from the adult conversation, turned to despair and never feeling good enough.

Now I come home to a peaceful home every day, on my time schedule and filled with gratitude. However, some days I wake up just missing the times where I would watch him sleep, or if I’m cold the warm embrace. Truthfully our cuddling was a favorite endearing act. It felt real and honest and a naked feeling one has in their warm embrace, it was in the end the only time something felt real. In the evening I will look around the house and see the four walls and feel lonely. I will listen to my inspirational videos, saying I have worth, if they let you go let them go etc. I will read books, I will brainstorm about work and solutions, and of course my own dreams. But still the triggers will come through, where I just want to text, I miss you or I love you. I know I can’t because he does not feel the same way I do, if he did he wouldn’t have told me to leave, he wouldn’t have moved someone else in within 16 days. He wouldn’t of came to me out of convenience and then leave to go home to her.

I don’t know how I went from the main girl to the side girl.  It is known that even though I was the main girl at one time, I was always getting cheated on, the day I found the “fantasy” lotions in his bag, I was crushed and when I asked about them, (yes after I had wine) he said it was from the time we broke up and it was a gift.

The smooth days are the ones that I get through with dreams and goals to drive me, the bad days are hard I cry and rewind memories as we all do. However, I will always love him but I have to remember all the ways he disrespected me, and would not compromise his own feelings to work on the relationship. It takes work and if only one person will work then it’s not truly two people coming together as one.  I’m thankful for the lesson as much as it does hurt, because it taught what I want and I learned so much from him. We both had common business goals and would get excited like nerds over certain things. We shared hobbies and we both loved to get shit done! I guess we both did in the end!

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Fight For Your Life

I do not mean fight for your life in a physical realm with violence or abusive communication. Your down your depressed, your weak, you are mentally drained. The one person who is trying to break you down, you are allowing to conquer the mission. You feel like you are drowning, habits have changed, life is confusing and you feel unloved.

You will keep being tested, FIGHT through the depression, FIGHT through the pain! Push through and  the gates will open, free your soul and find yourself. This pain you feel is temporary but the pain is a fight. You know you are alive, your breathing and still fighting. The pain intensity is an emotional ball and chain. It feels like someone has grabbed your heart right out of your body and you can’t function. Get stronger mentally and physically, find your calling. Prove to everyone that tried to kill your dreams that you will prove them wrong.

You are better than this….get up, get showered, get dressed! Start believing in yourself again. Find some purpose every day to do something you love, read a book, take a walk, visit a friend. You can do this!

Every day the above words had to help fill my soul! These words little by little month after month started to seep into my thoughts and daily actions. Yes, some days are bad and I do get triggered to remember some awesome memories from time to time. I know we are told to “dislike” the narc, but I will always have a love for him. God does not make mistakes even when we choose a certain path. He discarded me and put me in so much pain, that the pain drove me to reconnect with myself. It forced me to recognize the woman staring in the mirror every morning. It forced me to dig deep in my heart and soul and know. I’m not stupid, I’m not crazy, I’m liked, and I serve a purpose on this Earth.  His favor was the one I wanted to hear, his opinion or being happy with my intensions or work became what I needed to feel better. The less and less approval I heard, the more depressed I became. The narc is not the end all opinion, but I let it be. I’m the referee in my own life!

Every day I was around someone who even if I was having a great day, would bring me down. If I was having a bad day they could find a way to make worse. When you are struggling hold on to those memories as well, we loved so much, believed in so much, and waited for change that did not happen. You need to understand; you are fighting for YOUR life now. You get to call the shots now, fall in love with yourself, build your confidence, show us what you can do! Prove your worth! You can do ANYTHING!

It’s not easy to find yourself again, but it is achievable and worth it.  Change your mind and your life will change. We all think our way in this and now it is time to think you way out of it, break through everything you are carrying. Motivate Yourself!

Fight for yourself, build yourself up, who are you? Don’t gravitate to the negative, but the positive. Life is based on the choices we make, it is time to go to another level, with that will come another devil but we can conquer anything we want with will power, strength, and determination. If you are going through a battle you know you are on the verge of building something.

FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE BACK!

Evil Made Me Its Whore

This is a past writing from my journal. This was 3 months after the relationship was coming to an end. It is amazing the progress that has been made in 8 months. There is nothing wrong with feeling down for a bit, but make sure you do something each day to help you get to healing.

 

Evil has made me it’s whore, to the darkness with my choices whether it is wrong or right, where I’m going to hell, hell on earth!   The waves of purity have missed my body, the hurt and anger guide my way… Tortured souls on the binge of a realm of life that is unrealistic. I fully know what is a different form of dying is, I breathe, my heart beats but, yet I’m still alive, slowly passing away to the dust of the earth. I’m falling and you all are rising to the wicked elements of the earth. Playing the game, lies and evil surround me. You can lie without a twitch in your eyes so complacent. A girl at home, a girl at a bar, and the wanna you want to come around side pussy. You never stay the night but the night calls you to me. Intoxicating evil with a selfish desire, just to take the soul from my body.

Everyone wants me to burn, burn me with the flames that’s are surrounding me. The amber catching my skin but the fire already has my soul. The metal around my neck is closing in on me on my air flow, I’m caught in everyone’s web, I feel like a puppet just letting it penetrate my bones, my soul, my mind…Why oh, why do I let this happen, why will no one ever really love me without playing the sick game for their own selfish needs.  I want no more people in my life, I can’t trust anyone the ripples of each day is decaying my heart and soul…Soon there will be nothing left to touch or love. All the good qualities are being eroded and drowning away in the tears of the ocean.

Battling Breaking the Bond of Love

A common phrase is why can’t you move on! I strongly believe that God has us go through hardships in our life to refine us, to use us as a tool to help others. There will be people that have been married to their fun soul mate, the one we believed we had not so long ago.  But us, together if we have been in a relationship with a narcissist, it is not this simple. That phrase just makes us back track…We start cycling through our thinking process. Did what the narc say mean truth? Are we crazy? Why can’t we just move on?

In my experience I think breaking up with a narc is worse than someone dying. The pain is a constant with no closure, why are we not good enough? Why do they skip right over to the next person within weeks? Why did I take all the degrading actions and emotional upsets? We see them, we are told about them, we may still have to interact with them. It is a painful addiction to what we saw in the beginning of the relationship. Our mind is entangled with the illusion of what was, however the behavior has metamorphosed into a nightmare and shattered dreams. It’s an insult to us and how we view love.

We have our good days where we stay busy and move on, then there are triggers that remind us of some past memory where we are cloud nine. We cave and cry and reach out, why will they not see what we are capable of for their love, we often forgive their cheating or outlandish behaviors. But is this love, is this what we put out in the world to reciprocate this behavior. Sometimes forgiving so much allows a narc to know we are comfortable with the actions, then the behavior becomes a progression of circumstances like a head on collusion with a MAC truck.

Healing is a mindset, the opposite mindset of what we forgave for so long. Sometimes we deal with things for so long we get comfortable with where we are at. This includes the negative environment we have stayed in for so long, believing we have no self-worth.  Get out of your comfort zone because this where change occurs, it becomes a survival, a hard core decision to be happy.

We will relapse and try and return to what was comfortable, what we think we need. It is not as easy as just move on, it is hard, painful, and gut wrenching. Do not feel guilty for wanting to be happy and positive. We need to love ourselves and find things we enjoy and go after it. Never feel guilty for knowing that you are worthy of smiling and joy. Success is not money, jobs, or social status. Success is for the person that never gives up, fights through the ups and downs. Success is overcoming the highest hurtle in your life. Success is overcoming the negativity and moving forward.

Narcissist: The Devil Within

The first look from the outside in was where it started to unveil truth, a truth that I have avoided because of emotion. The logic of actions takes a back seat to the what we think about as children when we play with the Barbie and Ken dolls. Happily, ever after becomes a dream dancing around in our head. The stigma of this dream follows us, into our relationships in our adult life. The reality for most of us is relationships are hard work. In fact, there are sometimes we lose who we are on the sense of conforming to what the other half wants from us.

One day this strong and charismatic personality came into the room. It was like the Red Sea parting right in front of me, except there was no sea just people. I was intimated by his presence and demeanor and I believe he knew that at his first glance at me.  We hit off and we were like school children. We lived in two different states but that did separate us. We were on the phone constantly, and this was when free minutes didn’t happen until 9pm. LOL.  In between that we were using a messenger program, he was my knight in shining armor.  We were the Barbie and Ken, perfect! The fairy tale has come true. He would buy flowers, go the grocery store, cook dinner, he was a chiseled masterpiece for a man.

Now, like a fish swimming down the river, I took the bait. I had that hook so stuck in my mouth I couldn’t see anything right in front of me. I moved to his town with my daughter. We were the cutest couple so everyone said. We opened up a business together and we started to get a good reputation in town as being the “it” couple. My daughter was a little distraught for me leaving her dad, but as she was trying to be loyal she really wanted a father figure to love her unconditionally. He did that for a while, yup! You read that right. For a while…..

The mask started to chip away and this “perfect” specimen started looking a wolf in sheep’s clothing.   He had changed, it was like he conquered my heart and body and over time I conformed who I was as a person to keep his attention. I changed my parenting style to fit his needs, for example, “She is 12 she can get up for school on her own, she is not a baby” I actually enjoyed getting up with her but he didn’t want me to, when I first moved in all of his bills were behind and in his ex-girlfriend’s name I was so in love and awe of him I paid them all off. Can you say SUCKER? Yes, that was me. I started to work with him and without me even knowing changing who I was me. I could look in the mirror and see me but not recognize who I turned into.

Over the years the very things he liked about me in the beginning he started to loathe. I found out the sweep me off my feet feeling I was had was a common trait he followed through with many other girls during our relationship for 8 years. I guess I wasn’t so special after all. To top that off when I caught him on several different occasions his excuse was, this all happened because of you, I didn’t like you going out with your girlfriends etc. It was always my fault! Your penis got stuck in a hole and it’s my fault!

After 8 years of living with a cold man that said he cared but every action proved those words were not heartfelt. He only cared about what he wanted, he played by his own rules, no compromising for anyone. By the end of this relationship I starting to study the term narcissist. I thought wow, I thought it was just ego. No this “Knight in shining armor” was a true definition of a narcissist and I was his long term supply because most of the time I would just look the other way regarding his actions…..for love.

My love was used as a fuel for his ego, he truly didn’t care if he broke my heart. I could cry every day in the fetal position with enough tears to fill the Great Lakes. I tried to change to confirm to his demands to the point where when my daughter went to college she wouldn’t come home to me because she wanted nothing to do with this man anymore. She couldn’t understand why I would stay…..He was the Devil Within