Some days I guide right through with smooth sailing and on others the tears just flow. I often ask what happened during this journey. I self-reflect and investigate if I had been the failure in the relationship, if it was him, or us both. I think we both blamed the other so much that it just became a reality of existence. There were many days I would play a discussion in my head to reconcile, to make peace, to be better. I would start the conversation and it always ended in me feeling like I was a horrible person. The peace I thought I would obtain from the adult conversation, turned to despair and never feeling good enough.
Now I come home to a peaceful home every day, on my time schedule and filled with gratitude. However, some days I wake up just missing the times where I would watch him sleep, or if I’m cold the warm embrace. Truthfully our cuddling was a favorite endearing act. It felt real and honest and a naked feeling one has in their warm embrace, it was in the end the only time something felt real. In the evening I will look around the house and see the four walls and feel lonely. I will listen to my inspirational videos, saying I have worth, if they let you go let them go etc. I will read books, I will brainstorm about work and solutions, and of course my own dreams. But still the triggers will come through, where I just want to text, I miss you or I love you. I know I can’t because he does not feel the same way I do, if he did he wouldn’t have told me to leave, he wouldn’t have moved someone else in within 16 days. He wouldn’t of came to me out of convenience and then leave to go home to her.
I don’t know how I went from the main girl to the side girl. It is known that even though I was the main girl at one time, I was always getting cheated on, the day I found the “fantasy” lotions in his bag, I was crushed and when I asked about them, (yes after I had wine) he said it was from the time we broke up and it was a gift.
The smooth days are the ones that I get through with dreams and goals to drive me, the bad days are hard I cry and rewind memories as we all do. However, I will always love him but I have to remember all the ways he disrespected me, and would not compromise his own feelings to work on the relationship. It takes work and if only one person will work then it’s not truly two people coming together as one. I’m thankful for the lesson as much as it does hurt, because it taught what I want and I learned so much from him. We both had common business goals and would get excited like nerds over certain things. We shared hobbies and we both loved to get shit done! I guess we both did in the end!