The first look from the outside in was where it started to unveil truth, a truth that I have avoided because of emotion. The logic of actions takes a back seat to the what we think about as children when we play with the Barbie and Ken dolls. Happily, ever after becomes a dream dancing around in our head. The stigma of this dream follows us, into our relationships in our adult life. The reality for most of us is relationships are hard work. In fact, there are sometimes we lose who we are on the sense of conforming to what the other half wants from us.
One day this strong and charismatic personality came into the room. It was like the Red Sea parting right in front of me, except there was no sea just people. I was intimated by his presence and demeanor and I believe he knew that at his first glance at me. We hit off and we were like school children. We lived in two different states but that did separate us. We were on the phone constantly, and this was when free minutes didn’t happen until 9pm. LOL. In between that we were using a messenger program, he was my knight in shining armor. We were the Barbie and Ken, perfect! The fairy tale has come true. He would buy flowers, go the grocery store, cook dinner, he was a chiseled masterpiece for a man.
Now, like a fish swimming down the river, I took the bait. I had that hook so stuck in my mouth I couldn’t see anything right in front of me. I moved to his town with my daughter. We were the cutest couple so everyone said. We opened up a business together and we started to get a good reputation in town as being the “it” couple. My daughter was a little distraught for me leaving her dad, but as she was trying to be loyal she really wanted a father figure to love her unconditionally. He did that for a while, yup! You read that right. For a while…..
The mask started to chip away and this “perfect” specimen started looking a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He had changed, it was like he conquered my heart and body and over time I conformed who I was as a person to keep his attention. I changed my parenting style to fit his needs, for example, “She is 12 she can get up for school on her own, she is not a baby” I actually enjoyed getting up with her but he didn’t want me to, when I first moved in all of his bills were behind and in his ex-girlfriend’s name I was so in love and awe of him I paid them all off. Can you say SUCKER? Yes, that was me. I started to work with him and without me even knowing changing who I was me. I could look in the mirror and see me but not recognize who I turned into.
Over the years the very things he liked about me in the beginning he started to loathe. I found out the sweep me off my feet feeling I was had was a common trait he followed through with many other girls during our relationship for 8 years. I guess I wasn’t so special after all. To top that off when I caught him on several different occasions his excuse was, this all happened because of you, I didn’t like you going out with your girlfriends etc. It was always my fault! Your penis got stuck in a hole and it’s my fault!
After 8 years of living with a cold man that said he cared but every action proved those words were not heartfelt. He only cared about what he wanted, he played by his own rules, no compromising for anyone. By the end of this relationship I starting to study the term narcissist. I thought wow, I thought it was just ego. No this “Knight in shining armor” was a true definition of a narcissist and I was his long term supply because most of the time I would just look the other way regarding his actions…..for love.
My love was used as a fuel for his ego, he truly didn’t care if he broke my heart. I could cry every day in the fetal position with enough tears to fill the Great Lakes. I tried to change to confirm to his demands to the point where when my daughter went to college she wouldn’t come home to me because she wanted nothing to do with this man anymore. She couldn’t understand why I would stay…..He was the Devil Within